Posted in Personal

How do you KNOW?

Wedding dinner

Sometimes (often, actually) I wonder when I’m going to become a real adult. I look around at other people who are around my age and think they’re adults, and I wonder if people think I am?  Then my thoughts invariably pass to “well, what makes an adult?  A mortgage?  Breeding?  A career?  A beard?”  And what if you have only a couple of these things?  Ok, and what if you used to have them, and now you don’t?  Are you demoted back to teenagehood?

I’m in that last category these days, having traded in our house for a basement suite so I could go back to school.  We haven’t been able to get pregnant yet, so there’s that.  I’m working on the career part but I had a career before, I think.  I’m pretty sure I did.  It depends on how many years a career needs to last for to be called a career.

And all these thoughts, this ambiguity, takes up a lot of mental real-estate for me. I know it shouldn’t, but it does.  I don’t have the distraction of kids or work right now and life seems to loom like an unscaleable grey tower of choices, but no answers.  How’s that for imagery?  It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with my life, far from it.  It’s just that I have always operated on the assumption that there are good choices and poor choices, and have set my course to good ones.  As I stand at a crossroads of career, family, and ultimately purpose, I’m seeing that there are a myriad of choices, ad they’re all neutral: there are advantages and consequences to each and every one of them.  Like kids for example: I look around and see people having fun with and enjoying their kids.  I also see single people and couples enjoying their free time and personal development.  You can see parents frustrated and unable to cope with the demands of parenthood, as well as childless people and couples lamenting their loneliness because of not having children.  It does not seem to matter what you choose, you will experience happiness and sadness, abundance and deficits.

The trick, as far as I can tell, is choosing the thing that makes your heart sing at the time.  Is that a corny way to say that?  Whatever makes your pulse quicken, your eyes light up, your knees weak and your smile erupt.  When a proactive choice is required, this is always the right one, I think.  Choosing a career for the money or a mate for the security produces none of these reactions.  Going after what and whom you love, that’s what it’s about.  And when you choose the thing that makes your heart sing, whether it’s a person, a job, a place to live, an area of study, or a dessert, you’ll never have to apologize or feel guilty about it, because it will be right.  Even if it’s not right later and you end up having to change it, it was right then.  I think this is how you take responsibility for your choices and your life, and know that of all the choices you could have made, you chose the right thing: when you can accept the good and the bad side of it, and still hear your heart sing.

Maybe that’s what it means to be an adult?  I’m not sure, but I’m sticking with this definition for now.  School is almost done for me, and now I must choose whether to go to graduate school, work for awhile, work and go to school, work and get coaching training…and the baby issue is still there.  Do we have the money and resources to go for adoption now, or should I get established in my career first, and buy a house?  How many specialists should we see before we give ourselves a break and just be happy with however life is?  (a note on that: we haven’t stopped doing anything in order to get pregnant, and the dreamboat and I are both happy with our life together.  I checked with him the other day, so this is fresh confirmation)  Because all of these things take mental focus, and I’ve been too focused on too many things at once for too long.  I want some simplicity.  I want choices to be made for me, dammit!  But that’s teenage Brianna talking.  Adult Brianna knows that I will choose a path, and soon.  And it will be good and bad, but it will be the right thing, because I chose it.  And until then I will agonize, and maybe blog.  And that’s ok.  In the end, it’s all ok 🙂

Posted in Inspirational

Summer Reads

I haven’t gotten to read a lot of books of my choosing the last couple of years because I’ve gone back to school and the textbook reading has been non-stop…especially since I’ve taken classes through 2 summers.  If anything, it’s made me even more determined because if I have to read all this other stuff, I’m damn-well going to read something I want!  So I spend a significant amount of time finding books I want to read in Chapters, Amazon and in my parent’s library.  My sister reads a lot too so she supports my habit on birthdays and Christmas.  When the dreamboat and I find our forever house, I want a library in the dining room.  I can dream!  For now though, here’s a list of what I’ve been reading: Enjoy!


Ahh, the sisters.  I was watching a WWII documentary in the Spring and Unity Mitford was mentioned as one of Hitler’s girlfriends. So I looked her up (I always look stuff up when I’m watching tv: what did we do before laptops, smartphones and ipads???), and it turns out she was part of a fascinating blueblood family in England who were in the news a lot for being so political, on both sides of the spectrum.  I’m fascinated by English nobility at the turn of the century (oh, Downton Abbey!), political families and especially sisters.  These sisters did not disapoint!  I would recomend this book to anyone who likes history and drama, this book had oodles of both!

???????????????????????????????This one’s a re-read, originally read by me in school…grade 4 or 5 I think.  I remember loving it then, and in line at Chapters a month ago I saw it and freaked out!!!!  I bought it, read it again, and totally understood why my young self was so smitten by it.  It’s about 5 kids and their adventures in a secret world under their playhouse, what kid wouldn’t love that?!?  I’m so excited for my neice to be old enough to read it, I’m almost bursting!  I think it’s so, so important for kids to get a healthy dose of fantasy in their lives.  My imagination, I believe, was formed this way and it’s still a source of immense pleasure and even tangible use for me.

???????????????????????????????Inside the Land of OG!

???????????????????????????????I read this for an online course I’m taking until the end of August, and it’s a fantastic book!  If you’re at all interested in the most studied religious relic of all time and wonder at it’s legitimacy, give this a read for sure.  The book goes through the trial and crucifixion of Christ, the history of the Shroud, the possible scientific explanations for it and reasons why some call it a forgery, as well as the 1988 carbon-dating that declared its origins in Medieval Europe.  This book got me really excited to write a paper on the topic of the shroud, and that’s no small deal!


???????????????????????????????On the lighter side, I can never resist a book on French style!  This one is replete with drawn pictures and photographs of stylish women, as well as rules, tips and ideas on how to present more like a chic Parisian woman today.  I will use this as a reference for years to come!

???????????????????????????????Oooh La La!  Style me French 🙂


A stack of books I’d love to have done by summer’s end…but realistically, I’m hoping to have 2 of them read 🙂  I may be the last person on earth to read the shack, it’s kind of embarassing.  So I should probably get on that first.  The second one down was written by my first religion prof at Trinity, and he kind of blew my mind every class.  I can’t wait to read NT theology and its quest for relevance, because I think this is so relevant for Christians post scientific revolution!  Present Perfect I picked up after I learned I’m a perfectionist, and a perfectionist is not what we’ve always thought it was (!).  I’ve read the first part, it’s very enlightening.  Then we’ve got F. Scott, near and dear to my heart; this was a gift last Christmas, so it’s been waiting patiently in line.  Bill Maher is the Dreamboat’s book, and I always find him equally chalenging (to not want to punch him) and thought-provoking.  I try not to just read stuff I already agree with, and although I do agree with a lot of what he says, I don’t agree with a lot of it too.  It’s a good challenge.  Then last but not least, we have the human trafficking book.  I know this won’t be a feel-good read, but I think it’s so important to be informed on the evil in the world so we can contribute more to the good.

So there you have it, my reading list!  Let me know what you’re reading this summer, good or bad 🙂


Posted in Personal

2012: Quite a year


End of November is here and this is what it looks like in my world: papers, exams, projects, presentations, Christmas gift shopping online, getting together with friends and family, texting like mad with Mr. Dreamy AND reflecting a little on the past year.  You know that thing where you’re just GO GO GO and you don’t stop too often to look back or like, breathe?  Yeah, me too.  For some reason right now though, I’m thinking about where we’ve been this past year, where we’re going, and even patting myself on the back a little for coming this far.

I’m just gonna say it: this year was ROUGH.  It was all by choice: Mr. Dreamy and I decided that I should leave Edmonton and go back to school and that he should finish up our renovations, sell the house and meet me in BC where we’d start our new life by summertime.  I left almost a year ago now, and he’s still in Edmonton. Things don’t always go as planned. Going back to school at 32 was exciting and terrifying, and doing it while my husband lived somewhere else added another dimension of difficulty.  Mr Dreamy had to handle all the house stuff on his own while I’ve been here, and though it’s been beyond difficult getting it together, he’s done a bang-up job.   So at the end of a year living apart, I can honestly say that we’re even closer than we were.  I’m not sure what it is, but I have the idea that adversity combined with true love is like a recipe for amazingness.  Apart form that, we’ve both been pushing the envelope personally, and get to share that with one another at the end of every single sometimes gruelling day.  It’s funny: we tend to aim for calm waters as human beings when it’s the storms that make our lives better.  I can honestly say that though this year has been Brutal (see the capital B?), I wouldn’t take it back.  I don’t tend to make conventional choices, and those choices yield unconventional results.  I like that.  On the bad days I look around and wonder why no one else I know seems to be going through the crap that I am.  And then I remember.  Most people I know would never make the choices I have.  Duh Brianna.  When I think of where I’m going and think of where I’ve been, I’m happy.  Mr. Dreamy and I have some big plans, and they’re going to require big sacrifice.  If I can do this adventure with him for the rest of my life, I’ll have no complaints.

So I’m calling it: 2012, I owned you!!!!!


Our kitchen in Alberta


and our living room. Thanks for all the hard work babe!


Us at the beach Thanksgiving weekend.


White Rock beach a week ago. I love it here!


Me at school. As crazy as it gets, I really enjoy learning stuff every day.






Posted in Personal

March Confessions

1- I don’t really go to starbucks anymore becuse the food sucks, the lines are long and it’s just not worth it.  I have a gift card though, so I’ve been a few times in the past 3 weeks.  For me, that’s nothing.

2- I’m getting my coffee at a place in Brookswood that’s independant, makes a mean breakfast burrito and also sells jewelry.  I bought a pair of earings this morning with my medium dark.

3- I got ID’d for the first time in a looong time at the liquor store just after I got blonde streaks in my hair.  I was happy, but then I wondered how long I looked old.  Hmm.

4- I got a free app on my phone that tells me where to go and what to do in Paris, because maybe if I’m ready for it, Mr. Dreamy and I will go there this summer!  We totally can’t, but that’s no reason not to obsess over it right?

5- I was saving the second two books after Hunger Games for after my papers are done, but while waiting for my class to start today, I cracked and bought it from google books.  I am ridiculous.

6- I’ve started losing weight without really trying.  I just feel happier than I have in a long time.

7- I’m getting pretty good grades, and part of me is surprised that I’m doing well.  The other part isn’t surprised at all.

8- I’ve found out that my husband tells me I’m pretty if I send him pictures of myself…so I’ve started sending them daily.

9- I’m trying to develop my style blog, which requires reader comments, but I can’t figure out how to get them.  I ask questions, I request comments…nothing!  I will perservere.

10- Sometimes not having kids makes me pretty upset, and I’m in one of those stages right now.  I read that Reese Witherspoon is pregnant again, and cried a little.  I’m happy for everyone who has kids (more or less), but it feels so unfair that it hasn’t happenned for us yet.  I know I’ll be ok either way, but I really do want a family with my husband.  I just have to keep believing it’ll happen someday.  Just when it’s supposed to.

The End!