Posted in Personal

Ninja! (Why I need to be more authentic)

I have a confession to make, and it may surprise you.  It may not though, you may have guessed this all along.  I have no idea how many people will be surprised by this admission, or relate to it, or have their suspicions confirmed, or just plain not care, but here goes:

I have no idea what I’m doing.

My life plan has always been simple: be awesome.  Sometimes I feel awesome, other times I don’t, but it’s ok because my plan has nothing to do with feeling anything; it has to do with being something.  And while my goal is simple, it’s also not measurable in any way.  So far, I’ve liked it that way.  See, to my way of thinking, awesomeness is such an elusive thing that I have to strive constantly to meet it, and only sometimes do I ever feel that I have achieved it.  I felt awesome when I started my interior design business and started to get jobs, but then the jobs weren’t frequent enough or prestigious enough to remain in the awesome realm, so I fell.  I felt really awesome when I met my husband and fell in love, but then we didn’t achieve enoughas  quickly as I thought we should so I fell from awesome again.  Over and over again, no matter where my life takes me, I follow up my feelings of achievement and elation with a plunging sadness and despair at not doing, achieving, or being enough.  I logically know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I’m nagged by a persistent feeling that all of my blessings are on credit, and have yet to be earned by my future, awesome, accomplishments.

Crazy, non?

While I know this all sounds ridiculous, I look around and get the impression that I’m not alone.  Especially for the women I know, achievement and perceived success seem to be their drug of choice.  We are never pretty enough, fit enough, smart enough, successful enough in our careers or with our families, we don’t earn enough, we don’t see our friends enough….we don’t have clean enough houses or cook all our kids meals from scratch!  Now we have pinterest to keep a visual reminder of all the things we should be or do, just in case we forget.  And I’m am not knocking pinterest by any means: it’s a great idea and can be used to get ideas for lots of stuff we want to do.  But many of us use it to further enslave ourselves to the new “shoulds” of life.  Our “shoulds” seem to have taken precedence over what is.  And the problem I have with this in my own life, is that what is isn’t even bad, it’s actually good.  My life is far from my lofty ideals, yes, but shouldn’t I be experiencing the wonder of what it is rather than making myself miserable over what it is not?

So this morning, I couldn’t stop crying.  Like really, it was a scene out of some instructural psych depression documentary.  I miss my husband who I haven’t lived with for almost a year.  I’m sucking at school right now.  I haven’t lost the weight I gained over a year ago.  My life is not living up to the picture I have in my head, and I feel really far from making it what I want it to be.  On top of it, I’m absolutely terrified that you’ll know where I’m actually at.  I want you to think I’m together, that I don’t ever have to learn a lesson twice.  I want you to see that I am amazing!  The problem is, that’s not what I think.  I think I’m lost, confused, and tired of pretending I know where I’m going.  I don’t.

I went to one of my favourite places today for lunch: Ninja Sushi.  I ordered something a little different aqlong with what I usually get called a skinny ninja roll.  If you are what you eat, this is exactly what I want to be: lithe, fast and fierce like ninja, skinny like a supermodel.  When I got it, I was surprised though.  It was slathered in sauce, and looked so far from skinny that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to try it.  And the ninja part?  There was nothing ninja about it at all.  But I tried it anyway, and you know what?  It was delicious.  It did not look like what I thought a skinny ninja should be, but that didn’t change that it was indeed a skinny ninja.  So I thought: maybe my whole life won’t look like what I thought it would: should that cut back on my enjoyment of it’s deliciousness?  If I chose not to eat it, I’ll never really know.  If I’d sent it back without tasting it, I would have missed finding a delicious new lunch option.  If I’d nibbled at it, convinced I wouldn’t like it, I would have not given myself the opportunity to really taste what was right in front of me.  Maybe sometimes not knowing is half the fun, and just going with it is the other half.  Maybe if I did life more like sushi sometimes I’d be more satisfied.  I’m really glad I tried the skinny ninja, and you know what?  It was so good I ate it all 🙂

I’m going to take some big bites of my own life starting now, whether it looks palatable or not.  I’m going to feel what I feel and be what I am.  And if I don’t like it, I’m going to change it.  But I’m not going to avoid living it in favour of what it should be instead.

Hope your Tuesday is delicious 😉

Posted in Personal

June Confessions

1. With all these pictures of my friends kissing their husbands on facebook, I feel like putting a picture up of me screaming at mine.  We don’t even have fights like that (I would, but he would just stare at me with a blank look on his face so what’s the point?) but I would stage one just to be different.

2. I’ve been pretty lonely since I went fully online for school, so I think about going to wal-mart and looking around, hoping I’ll run into someone I know and we’ll chat.  I realize how completely depressing that is.

3. Lately I feel that my hair resembles that of Sebastian Bach.  This is not good.  I complained to my Mom and she let me use her expensive Wen shampoo that made her hair soooo soft.  It worked for like, half a day, then I was back to a huge 80’s rock ballad fro.  *sigh*

4. I made an appointment with a consignment store to sell them mine and my Moms clothes.  I sorted them, ironed them, packed them in suitcase and garment bags, filled up my Ford Escape (that’s a lot of space, yo!) and went to my appointment…..yeah, they didn’t want any of it.  That was 5 days ago, and I’ve been driving around with a car full of clothes and shoes ever since, too dejected to do anything about it.

5. I’m wondering if when a form asks me for my family doctor, I should write down Google.  It’s the truth, after all.

Posted in Personal

March Confessions

1- I don’t really go to starbucks anymore becuse the food sucks, the lines are long and it’s just not worth it.  I have a gift card though, so I’ve been a few times in the past 3 weeks.  For me, that’s nothing.

2- I’m getting my coffee at a place in Brookswood that’s independant, makes a mean breakfast burrito and also sells jewelry.  I bought a pair of earings this morning with my medium dark.

3- I got ID’d for the first time in a looong time at the liquor store just after I got blonde streaks in my hair.  I was happy, but then I wondered how long I looked old.  Hmm.

4- I got a free app on my phone that tells me where to go and what to do in Paris, because maybe if I’m ready for it, Mr. Dreamy and I will go there this summer!  We totally can’t, but that’s no reason not to obsess over it right?

5- I was saving the second two books after Hunger Games for after my papers are done, but while waiting for my class to start today, I cracked and bought it from google books.  I am ridiculous.

6- I’ve started losing weight without really trying.  I just feel happier than I have in a long time.

7- I’m getting pretty good grades, and part of me is surprised that I’m doing well.  The other part isn’t surprised at all.

8- I’ve found out that my husband tells me I’m pretty if I send him pictures of myself…so I’ve started sending them daily.

9- I’m trying to develop my style blog, which requires reader comments, but I can’t figure out how to get them.  I ask questions, I request comments…nothing!  I will perservere.

10- Sometimes not having kids makes me pretty upset, and I’m in one of those stages right now.  I read that Reese Witherspoon is pregnant again, and cried a little.  I’m happy for everyone who has kids (more or less), but it feels so unfair that it hasn’t happenned for us yet.  I know I’ll be ok either way, but I really do want a family with my husband.  I just have to keep believing it’ll happen someday.  Just when it’s supposed to.

The End!

Posted in Personal

Texts from last night…two mornings ago…last month…

So I switched from a smart phone to a dumb phone last July.  Long story.  But I did tell the phone guy I’m all about texting, so he recommended this LG model with a little flip-up keyboard doohickey that suits me just fine.  Only problem is, it can fit just 50 texts in it without buying more memory.  And I refuse to buy more memory.  I keep the texts I like though, and that fills it up quite a bit.  I’m constantly erasing new ones.  So the game for today is, I am going to share with you the texts that make me smile and why…and if you recognize a text you sent me on here, yay!  If not…well then just be entertained!

And this way, they’re immortalized and I can erase them from my phone.  We ALL win!

12) Omg.  Maybe it’s a good thing you missed him!

-This after texting a friend after her boyfriend (who I have yet to meet) came to my office to drop something off, and I was sorry to have missed him because I wanted to go up to him and say “nice to meet you, I’m coming to your wedding!”.

11) Yep.  We talked about you and how you’re going to rule the world.

-I had a bad night one night, then a friend of mine let me know how he and another friend of ours had been saying great things about me while I was wallowing in self-pity alone…good reality check!

10) Is #%*@!’s bro going to be there tonight?  Because I forgot my Twilight dvd :/  I know…Rude!

-in reference to a guy we know who loves Twilight…’nuff said…

9) Ever hung out in a coffee shop…Lemme finish…As a university student?

-I adore this girl.  Hint: it’s my sister.  The randomness of her texts make me smile and laugh wherever I am.

8) Oh!  Pardon me!  Excuse ME?  OH girl?

-I also adore this girl.  I was in a car coming back from Whistler when I got this, and burst out laughing so hard as I was trying to explain to the guy I was with why it was so dang funny.  It’s funny cuz she says it in real life really funny.  You have to see it.  What?

7) Bring a jacket it’s cold and windy but nice

-This reminds me of my friend and how he takes care of people…what man sends texts like this, I ask you?

6) I love telling people what you do for a living!  They always nod their heads vigorously!

-This reminds me how good I have it…vigorous head nodding?  Awesome!

5) Sorry my elevator hates you

-This was after the phone conversation got cut off on the way to the U2 concert…this guy cracks me up all the time.  But not his elevator.  His elevator hates me.

4) (do you get this a lot?) I think I go on facebook so often to read your status updates.  They make me laugh, out loud.  Thanks.  You need to keep them and write a book about modern times where every thought is publicized.

-Random, from a former employee.  And I do not publicize every thought.  Just most of them.  Anyway, this girl makes me smile.

3) Now all I can think about is financial planning.

-Is this not the response you want to elicit from every man you encounter?  This was the second one I got that week, the first being “now all I can think about is marketing”  FTW.

2) You look super cute every day!

-Yes, I asked for this.  I texted him that I looked super cute that day.

1) Bahahaha!  Yes, maybe.  Cuz we also had a punching contest…&I bruised.  Ummm…maybe I need a hobby?

– She also burned her hand with ice and salt to the point that it swelled up, and that was the second time.  Needs a hobby, yeah…and maybe some psychological probing.

And a couple of mine:

Dream Cars:

“I’m @ church parked behind a Mercury Sable…don’t worry, I’m gonna make sure you have one someday :)”

Destiny:

“Really?  Is it spelled in Cashews?”

The meaning of Christmas (concerts):

“The point is Odie just took it (the Christmas concert) over…hopped off the choir stands and is dancing on her own in front.  That’s the point”

Eighth Wonder of the World:

“Dad is trying stuff on at Le Chateau.  No joke.”

Posted in Personal

I Want to make the Family Stone!

Have you seen the movie?  If not, you need to rent it.  Hell, BUY it.  This movie is the main reason I sometimes feel an undeniable and uncontrolable urge to have 5 children.  I just want a big old house with a funny, laid back husband who loves me and a bunch of kids we adore…and it’ll be messy and colourful and chaotic and loud.  And it’ll be us. 

The Family Stone is dysfunctional and imperfect.  But they just love each other soooo much.  And it feels good, like my family in movie version.  There’s just more swearing in the movie than in my real family.

I never used to want to have kids.  Growing up, I dreamed of travelling and writing and having adventures; plans that weren’t condusive to getting married or having kids.  I still want to travel, write…I still want to have adventures.  Now I think, I would like to have a family too.  I think I could maybe find someone to make a family with who’d want to have a grand adventure.  Someone who wouldn’t care that it’s messy and loud and costs a lot of money, because it’s what he wants too.

That could happen, don’t you think?  I think it could.

Posted in Personal

My Tough Day

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me…I decided to face an emotionally rough situation I’ve been avoiding for awhile and talk to the other person involved.  It was hard, and I realized that in a lot of situations, I’m seen by others as kind of impervious to pain.  Well, I’m definitely not.  I can reason and talk stuff out…but while that’s happening it hurts like hell.  I think that may get missed sometimes because I will always default to the older sister role of making the other person feel better.  It’s not wrong…until I do it to avoid my own pain.  Which I do. 

After that conversation I went to a fundraiser banquet that I’d been invited to a couple weeks ago, had RSVP’d and still didn’t quite know what it was.  Well, it was being held at the church my brother’s funeral was at.  Strike one.  It was about mother’s who’d lost babies.  Strike two.  It was a great evening…I cried as these pictures were shown of precious lost babies, and listened to my friend Rima (who I haven’t seen in years and didn’t know would be there, strike one for the awesome side) spoke of being called to the hospital when parents have lost an infant, and taking photographs of them with their baby so that they have something to remember the life they’d lost.  The organization Rima is with, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, retouches the photos and even makes the parents a video, all free of charge.  The results are always stunning, and anyone can have this done.  I was so impressed and amazed by this service, it truly was a blessing for me to be there.  But thinking about parents who’ve lost children while in the fireside room of that church, which I remembered was the overflow room for my own brother’s funeral going on 5 years before, I just sat there and cried.  Good thing I was in good company!

So this morning I woke up kind of exhausted.  And I changed 6 times before I left the house.  I still don’t like my outfit.  I have a networking lunch today, letters to go out, an event to plan…there’s no time to be sad.  But I am.  So when I pulled into the starbucks parking lot today and saw that they’ve had their Christmas roll out, I had to smile.  I LOVE Starbucks at Christmas.  LOVE it.  I walked in and my happy adorable little barrista greeted me and told me all about the stuff she knew I’d like…gingerbread latte in my tummy it was.  In a kids traveller cup. 

You know what?  It’s gonna be a good day 🙂

Posted in Personal

Chess Club Princess

Cuba Chess
Chess happens in Cuba.

About a week and a half ago I went to the library to get some DVD’s.  I don’t normally go to the library, usually I buy books or read ones my sister has bought.  Plus my parents have a room they call the library, cuz the walls are lined with built-in book shelves spilling over with books, most of which I have yet to read.  Someone in my family has read every single one of them though.  So the last time I’d even gone to the public library was maybe 4 months before when I woke up one morning and suddenly realised I’ve never read Proust.  I checked out one of his books and read the first chapter, got busy with work and returned it.

So this time I decided to get some educational DVD’s that I could watch (kinda) while folding laundry and packing for my trip to Cuba.  A funny thing happened when I was there though.  The library has clubs, something I didn’t know until the libary lady showed me!  Book Clubs, different kinds of book clubs, a scrabble club (yes, really) and…a CHESS CLUB!  If you’re thinking chess club is lame, let me assure you of your lapse in judgement.  Video Games are indeed lame.  Chess RULES.  People who play are smart.  I’ve watched searching for Bobby Fischer, I know this.  Plus, I absolutely suck at it.  I used to play with my ex husband when I was feeling very patient.  On our trip to Greece he bought himself some fancy marble chess pieces and we’d play at night instead of dancing.  Yes, I wish we’d been dancing.  But still, chess is cool.  Especially for someone such as myself, who would surprise people by playing well.

And so tonight is my first chess club at the library.  I can walk there, although I have some stuff to do tonight so I probably won’t.  But I CAN, which is very nice.  And I’m sure I’ll make a lot of old people friends, maybe even some crazy library people.  It’s a group I’d never know otherwise.  This past week in Cuba I saw some groups of people playing chess out in the town squares and parks…and Cubans are awesome and smart, all the more so for their love of chess.   I know I’m in for a good time with any nationality of chess folk.