Posted in Personal

Texts from last night…two mornings ago…last month…

So I switched from a smart phone to a dumb phone last July.  Long story.  But I did tell the phone guy I’m all about texting, so he recommended this LG model with a little flip-up keyboard doohickey that suits me just fine.  Only problem is, it can fit just 50 texts in it without buying more memory.  And I refuse to buy more memory.  I keep the texts I like though, and that fills it up quite a bit.  I’m constantly erasing new ones.  So the game for today is, I am going to share with you the texts that make me smile and why…and if you recognize a text you sent me on here, yay!  If not…well then just be entertained!

And this way, they’re immortalized and I can erase them from my phone.  We ALL win!

12) Omg.  Maybe it’s a good thing you missed him!

-This after texting a friend after her boyfriend (who I have yet to meet) came to my office to drop something off, and I was sorry to have missed him because I wanted to go up to him and say “nice to meet you, I’m coming to your wedding!”.

11) Yep.  We talked about you and how you’re going to rule the world.

-I had a bad night one night, then a friend of mine let me know how he and another friend of ours had been saying great things about me while I was wallowing in self-pity alone…good reality check!

10) Is #%*@!’s bro going to be there tonight?  Because I forgot my Twilight dvd :/  I know…Rude!

-in reference to a guy we know who loves Twilight…’nuff said…

9) Ever hung out in a coffee shop…Lemme finish…As a university student?

-I adore this girl.  Hint: it’s my sister.  The randomness of her texts make me smile and laugh wherever I am.

8) Oh!  Pardon me!  Excuse ME?  OH girl?

-I also adore this girl.  I was in a car coming back from Whistler when I got this, and burst out laughing so hard as I was trying to explain to the guy I was with why it was so dang funny.  It’s funny cuz she says it in real life really funny.  You have to see it.  What?

7) Bring a jacket it’s cold and windy but nice

-This reminds me of my friend and how he takes care of people…what man sends texts like this, I ask you?

6) I love telling people what you do for a living!  They always nod their heads vigorously!

-This reminds me how good I have it…vigorous head nodding?  Awesome!

5) Sorry my elevator hates you

-This was after the phone conversation got cut off on the way to the U2 concert…this guy cracks me up all the time.  But not his elevator.  His elevator hates me.

4) (do you get this a lot?) I think I go on facebook so often to read your status updates.  They make me laugh, out loud.  Thanks.  You need to keep them and write a book about modern times where every thought is publicized.

-Random, from a former employee.  And I do not publicize every thought.  Just most of them.  Anyway, this girl makes me smile.

3) Now all I can think about is financial planning.

-Is this not the response you want to elicit from every man you encounter?  This was the second one I got that week, the first being “now all I can think about is marketing”  FTW.

2) You look super cute every day!

-Yes, I asked for this.  I texted him that I looked super cute that day.

1) Bahahaha!  Yes, maybe.  Cuz we also had a punching contest…&I bruised.  Ummm…maybe I need a hobby?

– She also burned her hand with ice and salt to the point that it swelled up, and that was the second time.  Needs a hobby, yeah…and maybe some psychological probing.

And a couple of mine:

Dream Cars:

“I’m @ church parked behind a Mercury Sable…don’t worry, I’m gonna make sure you have one someday :)”


“Really?  Is it spelled in Cashews?”

The meaning of Christmas (concerts):

“The point is Odie just took it (the Christmas concert) over…hopped off the choir stands and is dancing on her own in front.  That’s the point”

Eighth Wonder of the World:

“Dad is trying stuff on at Le Chateau.  No joke.”

Posted in Personal

I Want to make the Family Stone!

Have you seen the movie?  If not, you need to rent it.  Hell, BUY it.  This movie is the main reason I sometimes feel an undeniable and uncontrolable urge to have 5 children.  I just want a big old house with a funny, laid back husband who loves me and a bunch of kids we adore…and it’ll be messy and colourful and chaotic and loud.  And it’ll be us. 

The Family Stone is dysfunctional and imperfect.  But they just love each other soooo much.  And it feels good, like my family in movie version.  There’s just more swearing in the movie than in my real family.

I never used to want to have kids.  Growing up, I dreamed of travelling and writing and having adventures; plans that weren’t condusive to getting married or having kids.  I still want to travel, write…I still want to have adventures.  Now I think, I would like to have a family too.  I think I could maybe find someone to make a family with who’d want to have a grand adventure.  Someone who wouldn’t care that it’s messy and loud and costs a lot of money, because it’s what he wants too.

That could happen, don’t you think?  I think it could.

Posted in Personal

My Tough Day

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me…I decided to face an emotionally rough situation I’ve been avoiding for awhile and talk to the other person involved.  It was hard, and I realized that in a lot of situations, I’m seen by others as kind of impervious to pain.  Well, I’m definitely not.  I can reason and talk stuff out…but while that’s happening it hurts like hell.  I think that may get missed sometimes because I will always default to the older sister role of making the other person feel better.  It’s not wrong…until I do it to avoid my own pain.  Which I do. 

After that conversation I went to a fundraiser banquet that I’d been invited to a couple weeks ago, had RSVP’d and still didn’t quite know what it was.  Well, it was being held at the church my brother’s funeral was at.  Strike one.  It was about mother’s who’d lost babies.  Strike two.  It was a great evening…I cried as these pictures were shown of precious lost babies, and listened to my friend Rima (who I haven’t seen in years and didn’t know would be there, strike one for the awesome side) spoke of being called to the hospital when parents have lost an infant, and taking photographs of them with their baby so that they have something to remember the life they’d lost.  The organization Rima is with, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, retouches the photos and even makes the parents a video, all free of charge.  The results are always stunning, and anyone can have this done.  I was so impressed and amazed by this service, it truly was a blessing for me to be there.  But thinking about parents who’ve lost children while in the fireside room of that church, which I remembered was the overflow room for my own brother’s funeral going on 5 years before, I just sat there and cried.  Good thing I was in good company!

So this morning I woke up kind of exhausted.  And I changed 6 times before I left the house.  I still don’t like my outfit.  I have a networking lunch today, letters to go out, an event to plan…there’s no time to be sad.  But I am.  So when I pulled into the starbucks parking lot today and saw that they’ve had their Christmas roll out, I had to smile.  I LOVE Starbucks at Christmas.  LOVE it.  I walked in and my happy adorable little barrista greeted me and told me all about the stuff she knew I’d like…gingerbread latte in my tummy it was.  In a kids traveller cup. 

You know what?  It’s gonna be a good day 🙂

Posted in Personal

Chess Club Princess

Cuba Chess
Chess happens in Cuba.

About a week and a half ago I went to the library to get some DVD’s.  I don’t normally go to the library, usually I buy books or read ones my sister has bought.  Plus my parents have a room they call the library, cuz the walls are lined with built-in book shelves spilling over with books, most of which I have yet to read.  Someone in my family has read every single one of them though.  So the last time I’d even gone to the public library was maybe 4 months before when I woke up one morning and suddenly realised I’ve never read Proust.  I checked out one of his books and read the first chapter, got busy with work and returned it.

So this time I decided to get some educational DVD’s that I could watch (kinda) while folding laundry and packing for my trip to Cuba.  A funny thing happened when I was there though.  The library has clubs, something I didn’t know until the libary lady showed me!  Book Clubs, different kinds of book clubs, a scrabble club (yes, really) and…a CHESS CLUB!  If you’re thinking chess club is lame, let me assure you of your lapse in judgement.  Video Games are indeed lame.  Chess RULES.  People who play are smart.  I’ve watched searching for Bobby Fischer, I know this.  Plus, I absolutely suck at it.  I used to play with my ex husband when I was feeling very patient.  On our trip to Greece he bought himself some fancy marble chess pieces and we’d play at night instead of dancing.  Yes, I wish we’d been dancing.  But still, chess is cool.  Especially for someone such as myself, who would surprise people by playing well.

And so tonight is my first chess club at the library.  I can walk there, although I have some stuff to do tonight so I probably won’t.  But I CAN, which is very nice.  And I’m sure I’ll make a lot of old people friends, maybe even some crazy library people.  It’s a group I’d never know otherwise.  This past week in Cuba I saw some groups of people playing chess out in the town squares and parks…and Cubans are awesome and smart, all the more so for their love of chess.   I know I’m in for a good time with any nationality of chess folk.

Posted in Personal

Sometimes there are exceptions…

As an aside to my blog about not deleting your fb friends…I just deleted an fb friend, and here’s why:

I don’t want to turn on my computer and look at pictures of my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend.  Facebook is my happy place, and this irritates me.  That he’s moved on?  Great!  If I met him now I would never date him, so there’s no conflict there…but does that mean I want to look at lovey dovey pictures EVERY time I go on fb???


So, in some areas…I stand corrected 🙂

Posted in Personal

The Rollercoaster

*This is on my brother’s memorial blog, and I just re-read it for the first time in a long time…it’s dated August 22, 2007*

I’ve had a a pretty good week…workwise, there’s a lot coming my way, and I’m very grateful. Personally, it’s been tough…but I have great friends, an amazing family, and I talk to God throughout the day; I can’t ask for more than that. I had dinner with my parents tonight. My Dad barbequed pork chops and vegetables, and it was delicious. The three of us chatted, argued a little (we’re still us, after all), and just had a nice time. A friend of mine told Layne last week that when I’m not around my family, I gush about how great they are…like, constantly. I thought about this a while, and you know what? I do. I feel so incredibly blessed to know these people…they inspire me, they challenge me, they support me in whatever I chose to do. I did nothing to deserve being born into a family this evolved. I work hard to deserve them…I really do.

As many of you already know, Kevin and I are getting divorced. This decision was not reached lightly, and I have nothing but good things to say about him…but sometimes, something you thought would last forever just doesn’t. And you’re left wondering what you did wrong, how you could have saved it. In the end, I’m grateful for the experience, I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow and to understand this new kind of pain. It’s loss, like when Tyler died…only this time, I’m on my own. I have so much support, it’s true. But there’s no one who can understand the hopes I had in my marriage, and feel the loss I feel with this knowledge that the life I was building for myself, the future I thought I had, is gone. I’m shattered.

After the dinner with my parents, I went to my good friend Nicole’s house. We sat on her couch, drank lattes from Starbucks and talked about our lives and our relationships, just like we always do. I love Nicole, because I know she’ll always be there for me…but she’s not afraid to tell me what she thinks. And she always tells me. She’s amazing. Just before I was going to leave for the night, she had me come upstairs with her to see her two sons, because “they’re so cute when they’re sleeping”. They’re adorable when they’re awake, so I had to see what she was talking about. Sure enough, those little tiny boys in their little tiny beds were quite a sight. They both looked so innocent, so trusting, sprawled out, no covers on. Whenever I see babies or little kids lately, I feel like crying because it reminds me of when Kevin and I were trying to get pregnant, and I worry I may never get to be a Mom now. But when I looked at those sleeping little boys, this time I thought of my Mom, and how she must have looked at us when we were sleeping. How she wanted to protect us and keep us close to her forever. How her heart must have swelled to see our little bodies sprawled out on our beds, no covers on, fully trusting that everything would be ok and we could sleep with no fears and no worries.

You know, I’m scared to someday be a parent. I’m terrified that I may have a child who might be taken away from me like Tyler was taken from my parents…and then I’d be in pieces like they are. And I’m scared to never be a parent. I worry that I’ll never be stretched in that way, I’m worried that I’ll never feel the amount of love my parents have for me for my own child. I also worry that I’ll never get married again. For the first time, I truly believe there could be someone meant just for me. Someone who’s passionate about his dreams, and supports me in mine. Someone who makes me laugh until my sides hurt, and holds me when I cry. Someone who inspires me to do my best…who encourages the best in me, but also accepts the worst. And while I think that this person definitely could exist, I’m terrified that even if I were to find him, I might not see him for who he is, or he might not see me…or we might dismiss each other and never truly give it a try. I think about these things a lot now…maybe too much. Will I make the right choice?

The thing is, though; whichever way we chose is pain. And beauty. Sometimes all at once. I think that to live your life in avoidance of pain is a mistake…pain finds you. But once pain finds you, you’re able to feel it and know joy. If we never had the pain, how would we know when we’re not in pain? And so, I chose pain, I think. I chose the hard choices. I choose the complicated, the difficult…the rollercoaster. there’s a great scene in parenthood, where the Grandma is talking about how she used to go to the carnival. Some people liked the kiddie rides; up and down, up and now…so boring. But she liked the rollercoaster. The long, long climb up, the pause at the top…the short drop down. The rollercoaster makes your stomach jump up into your throat, it makes you feel that excited tingly feeling in your limbs, it makes you feel like throwing up. Point is, it makes you FEEL. In my life, in spite of all the pain I’ve experienced, I am so incredibly grateful…because I’ve also had such elation.

So, the future??? I have absolutely no idea. But I have the greatest family in the world. I have friends who listen to me rant and rave, put up with me when I’m manic, and hug me close when I cry. And I have a relationship with my creator that is growing stronger by the day, because I’m learning more and more how much I truly need him. I am blessed in every way. I’ll take all the pain if this is what I get in return.


Posted in Personal

Feel the Fear and do it Anyway

I always find it odd that as a culture, we tend to think of learning as a childhood pastime.  I know, there are many of us who take classes, endeavour to learn the features of a new phone, maybe even try out a new  route to work if we’re feeling extra brave.  But how many of us consider learning to be a constant challenge throughout our lives?

I’m just wondering, because I have recently decided to go back to school, and was surprised to realise that I’m actually kind of terrified!  Excited, yes…but scared too!  The thought of being surrounded by 19 year olds talking about drinking binges does nothing for me.  The thought of wandering down unfamiliar halls once again, having a student ID with a bad picture of myself, and having due dates for papers…does nothing for me.  What does turn my crank is the promise of a challenge.  I’m very excited to sit in a classroom and hear about places and things I’ve never heard of before, to be challenged by tests and papers to remember them and regurgitate on demand, to expand my brain power and surprise myself with what I’m capable of.

I didn’t used to be excited to learn.  The scared part of me used to win out every time, and I wouldn’t end up doing what I’d originally wanted to know out of fear.  But then one day, I started my own business.  I never would have started it on my own, I have my ex-husband to thank for pushing me to do what he knew I could do.  So I started it, with him, and we had some great successes.  More importantly though, we had some catastrophic failures.  Like, we lost thousands and thousands of dollars, lost face in a few situations, and had lots of people we new know about all of it.  Our partner left us.  We also seperated, which was incredibly painful and even more tough because we’d just started a business with a lot of joint loans involved.  So really, I experienced the kind of failure I’d always been scared of.  I walked through it very slowly, experienced every pain, asked for advice from wise people; sometimes I took it and sometimes I didn’t and screwed up again.  And after a couple of years of this, I realized something: the worst had happened.  I didn’t need to be afraid anymore.

And so I’m off to school, because I want to learn.  I’m a completely different person than I was before my brother died, before I started my first buisness, before my divorce.  The worst has happened and I’m still here.  So what’s to be afraid of?

Posted in Personal


How do I start this?  I’m in a bit of a rough patch here and I would give pretty much anything to be able to sit down and talk to you about it.  It’s been a really long time, hasn’t it?  The last time I saw you, you were sitting on a stump in the front yard, scraping paint off your tools; you’d decided to mark them all so they wouldn’t get mixed up with Dad’s tools, then hadn’t liked how they’d looked painted so you were scraping them all off.  I laughed, cuz it seemed like such a pointles exercise…but that was you, always altering your purchases to make them yours.  We chatted a bit about your last date and you thinking “can I just get my money back?” and our plans to go to MEC on Tuesday night to buy supplies for our trip to Europe.  I was so excited to go with you Ty…I knew we would have fun and you would make sure everything was safe and comfortable, like you always did.  Do you remember when we were little and we found a handful of vinegar packets on the sidewalk when we lived in Vancouver, and took them behind the house and drank them all?  We knew Mom would be mad if she knew so we hid.  Do you remember Ryan on the corner who always wanted to wrestle, so we’d tag-team him and he’d always end up running home crying?  And when we got older, having everyone in stitches whenever we’d be in the same room together just by our banter?  Do you remember, Tyler?  Because I’m starting to forget.  It’s been just over four years since I last saw you, and I forget what it feels like to laugh that hard.  I am forgeting the stories of living in the little house on Horley St. because there’s no one here to ask if they really happened.  I forget how to feel light and carefree and happy…and I’m forgetting that I ever did.  I’m forgetting the sound of your voice, and for some reason this feels like the worst betrayal of all.    And this would be different, Tyler, if I didn’t know the difference.  If I had grown up with Nate, Layne, Mom, Dad and not you, maybe the way I am now would be normal and I would feel fine.  But I didn’t, there was another brother here who helped me to understand the way our family worked.  He didn’t think I was special or different or removed.  He grew up right alongside me and he understood why I turned out the way I did.  That brother was you Ty, and I need you to come back.  I need you to tell me what to do, because I don’t know.  Come back and tell me why Nate and Layne don’t talk out all their problems like you and I used to, how to be there for Nate now that he’s going to be a husband and father, how to help Layne adjust to being back home, how to be there for your friends, how to not fill all of my time with work and not feel guilty, tell me what I’m supposed to do next with my life…because I don’t know.

You died on a sunny April day, and I woke up that morning with one thought:  today is the day my life is about to change for the better!  It started as a day of infinite possibility, of hope.  That’s not the way it ended.  Kevin called me at work to tell me you were gone, and when I heard the words, I stopped being able to breathe.  “Brianna, you have to come home.  Your brother has been killed.”  It’s been a long four years without you Tyler…and sometimes, I still can’t breathe.  I feel like I shouldn’t mis you anymore, but I can’t stop.  Tell me how to stop, Ty.  Because so much has happened other than you dying that I need you for…did you know Kevin and I split up?  Did you know I had a few businesses and a whole bunch of successes and failures within them and could barely eat or sleep for almost a year?  I have lost faith in love, and am not sure I ever really felt it at all.  I don’t talk about you very much, even though I talk about everything else.  What am I supposed to say?  You were the man I looked up to, the man who made me think there are good men out there.  But I’ve looked, Tyler, and there just isn’t one for me!  I am so tired, I want to stop trying to make a difference, stop trying to find that perfect love.  I want to tell you all of this and hear your reasons for why I shouldn’t give up.  I want to hear you and believe what I know you’d tell me.  I have hurt every single day for the last four years…I just want to tell you.  But I can’t breathe.

-Your older Sister

Posted in Personal

I’m never going to move out of my parents house!

I had this epiphany yesterday: I am never going to move out my parents house…and that’s awesome 🙂  I currently have a bedroom with a deck and an ensuite that is very nice and comfortable; I moved into it last September when my sister left for Africa.  I was out of money and being self-employed though gratifying, had gotten old the way being constantly terrified and kinda hungry does.  So I moved home to sort it all out.  My parents are fantastic; they’ll do anything they can to help their kids without making us feel beholden to them.  I thought I’d stay for 6 months…a year maybe if I wanted to buy.  But a funny thing happened on the way to the show; I discovered a couple of things.  First, I really, really like White Rock.  It’s beautiful, the people are friendly in a small-town kinda way, and for the first time I feel like there’s a place I belong.  Second, I started to get to know my Dad in a way I never would have if I hadn’t moved back.  I’ve always liked my Dad…he’s fun and spontaneous and will give you the shirt off his back if you ask…and sometimes even when you don’t.  We used to be close when I was little, and then we just weren’t.  I’ve always missed our closeness, but haven’t known how to get it back.  Since I’ve moved back though, we talk.  Every so often we find ourselves in the same place when no one else is home, and he tells me how he’s been doing or asks me my plans for the future.  And I really like that.  We’re developing something here…we’re getting to know each other and it never would have happened had I not moved home.

So I love it here, but I need some space.  And I want to see the world!  The traveling bug has bit me hard and I can’t get the world out of my mind.  Last night my brother Nate proposed to his girlfriend Corine (yay!) and so he’ll be moving out of the basement in the next year.  I think what I’ll do is put a kitchen in, change the floor from carpet to my favourite engineered acacia, paint and put in all my furniture that’s in storage and it will pretty much be the most kickass basement suite in the history of mankind.  PLUS, I get to go travelling, not have to make arrangements for my place, and take care of my serious social needs.  I’m gearing up to most likely be single until forever, so I don’t need much space…sooo perfect!

Love my plan or WHAT?!?

Posted in Personal

Well here I am

So I walk around all day every day with blogs swirling in my head…I see a middle aged woman poured into a mini-dress and want to write something about it, I hear a comment in a crowded coffee shop and it inspires me to journal…so now I finally have a blog!

And what am I writing about?  Haha, nothing.  I suppose I have performance anxiety.  I’ll get the inspiration back.  In the meantime, I’ll continue watching Boston Legal and eating Party mix.