Bit of a Mess

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Do you ever get the feeling that you’re far less capable of juggling the requirements of North American life than other people?  I mean all of them.  Well I do. When I stop to think about it, it kind of makes sense. I’ve had no real routine in my life for longer than three months for years. My house is in a constant state of torn-apartness and renos. I’m either trying to do school work, or attend classes, or go to work sometimes all in the same day most of the year. We’re trying to conceive and it’s constantly on my mind. My husband and I spent a year living apart due to circumstances and we’re still trying to get back into our groove. I feel like I can do really well at maybe 1/2 of this stuff, or pretty well at maybe 3/4 of it, but I can’t seem to stay on the ball for all of it, ever. Because school is such a priority right now and so’s the dreamboat, I’ve really been letting my friends down lately and it’s starting to get scary. I value the people who want to hang out with me even though I’m a bit of a mess most of the time, I really do. But in the past couple of months I’ve literally stood up a couple of them for plans we had together. Like, legit did not show up to something I said I’d do. Now, I never, EVER thought I’d be this person. Like EVER. I get annoyed when people are late, nevermind not showing up at all. So what gives? I definitely never have the intention of not showing, I just think I have everything under control at the time and I definitely don’t. It makes me wonder though: are my priorities wrong?

Like ok, I was listening to the book Mad Women on CD last summer when I drove to Vancouver from Edmonton, and she talked about a very succesful woman who said that she learned early on that she did not have time for personal relationships. If she wanted a family and a career, she just didn’t have time. And I’m not sure if that was ok with her in the end or not (I guess you’d save on funeral costs with no guests), but at the time I remember thinking “you know, she’s right. There’s not enough time in the day for everything.” If I want an amazing, worthwhile career where I use my gifts to make a difference in the world, a marriage where we work together and stay in love through our whole lives, well cared-for, well-rounded and well-loved children, is my plate full? Is there no more to give?

You know, I’m not sure. I know life is about relationships, and people end up being there for you when you’re there for them, so that’s probably why I feel like a complete a-hole treating my friends like an afterthought. Whether on purpose or by accident, the results are the same. And if I feel this bad behaving this way, I guess that tells me something, right? I need to make some room, because relationships are important to me. At the end of the day, I want to be able to share all the stuff I’m doing and going through with the ladies who’ve been there through it all, and I want them to share their stuff with me. And I don’t know what I’m going to have to give up, but I’m going to figure it out. Because it really matters.

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