It’s a cliche, I know. It’s an add for cigarettes actually. Regardless, it’s what’s been in my head the last few days. Most of the time I feel a mixture of mild panic and acute guilt over the list of things to do at home, at work, and…other. Most of the time whatever I get done during the day is just not good enough. Most of the time.
Tonight Jeff came home after getting a haircut, had a shower then began to shovel the snow off the deck so that he could start the barbeque to make us the burgers he’d been planning on since lunch. I asked what show we should watch together while eating dinner and he said “yeah, I’ve been thinking about this. Maybe we shouldn’t watch TV after work anymore”. Now my first thought was that if we ate dinner, then proceeded with the myriad of chores we have written on various lists around the house, we could get a lot more done. I could continue the streak I was on all day at work, just translate it to home. And what do they say? Productivity is next to Godliness? Or the Opiate of the masses? I can never remember…
My very next thought? SCREW. THAT.
First, I come home from work so that I can be home from work. Making my home into workplace #2 does not appeal. Second, by whose measure am I constantly finding myself lacking in productivity? Why do I insist on self-flagellating for not ever being able to live up to my own standards? My house is never clean enough, I’m never thin enough, I never do or see or know enough…but you want to know the truth? At the end of the day all I really want to do is cuddle up with my husband and remember why I do what I do during the week: I work to support my life with him. After all this, I told Jeff that even though we have a huge list of to do’s, we’ve actually accomplished a lot this year. Maybe we should stop feeling bad about what we haven’t done and celebrate what we have done! Maybe we should make a list of things to celebrate. Things we’ve done this year that are a big deal. And so, here’s the list.
1) We got married. It didn’t take a lot of planning, but it did take some. And it was lovely and romantic, whimsical and just perfect. BFD.
2) We renovated. We didn’t do the whole house, but we did a lot of it. And it was hard. AND there was minimal swearing, all done by me.
3) I moved here. With all my stuff in a trailer pulled by a truck Jeff drove. Not even a year ago.
4) I got a new job. Then a temporary job. Then a serious job, with travel involved. All since last June. The job thing alone is exhausting.
5) I bought a new car (new to me), and insured it in a province where insurance seems infinitely complicated. The thing about this, I wanted one big thing to stay the same when I’d changed everything else in my life; I wanted my little Mazda. No such luck.
6)We met and got to know new in-laws. It’s very strange having in-laws and then getting a divorce and getting new ones. It’s been so worth it getting to know them, for both of us, but it takes a lot of work.
7) We have been on so many dates. Maybe that doesn’t seem like an acomplishment, but with all that’s been going on, trust me it is.
8) I think the biggest thing Jeff and I have accomplished this past year is us. I never knew a relationship could feel so much like home. So the nights when we come home excited to eat dinner together and watch Gilmore Girls or Star Trek, we’re just solidifying our us-ness. It’s not a waste of time, it’s how we like to spend it together. AND it makes our sectional purchase make total sense.
Bring on TNG!