I want too much. And it seems like everything I want conflicts with the other stuff I want. I know I’m selfish, self-involved, and choose more often than not to turn away from the people I could be helping. I know you’ve given me a lot. And I even know that instead of feeling grateful, instead of feeling privileged and loved just a little more than others, I’m meant to feel a burden for them. I’m not above struggle; I was just born with more so that I could share. I was not given more to keep it and appreciate it, I was given more to give it away.
And even though I realize all of this, I still choose time and time again to ignore it. I choose to worry about silly things like fashion and comfort while people who aren’t so different from me worry about clean water and food to feed their families. I choose this over and over because it’s too hard. I look at all the hurt people are feeling, all that’s wrong with the world and know I can’t change it all myself and I give up before I even try. And this thing I do, taking it all on myself and feeling overwhelmed and not even trying, it’s the most shameful thing of all. I do it because I don’t trust you.
Since you are God, and you made me and the world and everything in it, and you know everything and don’t answer to me or anyone else, there is no reason to not trust you, except that I know better than you. Well, since I know every time I read the news that I can’t fix it, who else is there to trust? You know it’s bad, you see the pain down here every day. And you need me to trust you and do my teeny tiny little part. So how about this? How about I stop making excuses to not? How about every single day that I wake up, I ask you to give me the strength to do my teeny tiny little part? How about I don’t worry so much about me, but focus on listening for direction from you? How about I let go of my silly worries and know that every time I have fallen you’ve picked me up, and when I’ve started walking again I’ve become that little bit stronger? How about I rest in the knowledge that you’ve caught me? And how about I show this to people by catching them, because you’ve given me the strength?
God, help me to live in what I know, and not die slowly in what I fear.
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