It is absolutely ridiculous how many peanut M&M’s I ate today. The only thing more ridiculous is the fact that I don’t like peanut M&M’s that much. I like them, just not more than cheesecake (which I had last night), homemade chocolate chip cookies, or ice cream. There’s a party bag of these peanut M&M’s in my house though, and no one home but me, so I’ve been eating them all day.
The thing is, I’ve been doing that a lot a lot lately. Eating for no reason. Mostly out of boredom. And yes, you can tell. At least I can tell. I’m the heaviest I’ve been in quite some time. Usually I gain weight because I’m depressed, but…I’m not depressed right now. I think I’m just forgetful. See, there are things I want in life. I want to help people, I want to be creative, I want to write. I want to be able to go anywhere and do anything and not have a self-conscious thought in my head. What I really want is to be free to pursue anything, and not let anything or anyone hold me back; least of all myself. And so we have the fence post theory; my pastor spoke about it once at church. We all have a destination in our heads of where we’d like our lives to end up. If you don’t have that, you need to think about it. I want to have a life full of stories. I want to try out tons of different jobs, live in different cities, study different things…I want to be spontaneous and free and able to respond to my environment appropriately when called on to do so. If I have to speak, attend big gatherings, meet a whole bunch of new people, whatever, I want to always be ready to do that. And so, the fence post: I know where I want to go. So every choice I make in my life needs to line up with the reality I want to create like fence posts; they need to make a straight line toward my last fence post. Any choice I make that does not line up with my desired end is like a fence post planted way off course. Lately I’ve been eating bad things way too much, making me feel sick and gigantic and not myself. Now why would I do that? It makes no sense, right? The only reason to plant fence posts any old place is because I’ve lost sight of that last fence post. And indeed, I have.
And so I started thinking today that not only do I need to stop eating crap, I need to get a trainer. A trainer is definitely in line with my last fence post. Good thing most of my latest choices (sewing class, chess club, writing more) other than the eating thing line up as well.