I am a Sucky Captain

I like to be in charge. It’s not a big secret. I’m the first born, I’m loud, and I step up when something needs to get done. I take pride in being able to fix stuff on my own. What I like about being this way is that I’m a better person for figuring problems out before I ask anyone for anything.  It’s stretched my brain in ways that it wouldn’t have stretched had I immediately gone to someone else for help.  What I don’t like about it is: everything else.

We live in a culture that values the self above all else; we strive to be independant, self-serving, and lack a sense of community that other cultures have.  We don’t need God.  Why would we?  We have jobs, and dreams and goals and hobbies and so much stuff that we can’t even keep it all in our own homes, so we rent out spaces to house things that we cannot and will not use, but if we ever have an ounce of free time, we know we’ll go running over and fill it all up with activities.

So here’s me: single, no kids, working.  I make money, I pay my bills, I have friends, I do activites and I have a lot of stuff.  I really, really have no idea who God wants me to be or what he wants me to do.  How could I?  Have I left him any space to move in my life?  Any at all?  Not really, no.  Because I’m busy!  Because my time is all taken up with working, and being so worried about money that I can’t eat food or sleep, and socialising with people half in an affort to feel better, and half to show them that “Yes!  I’m fine!”, and volunteering, because I feel so incredibly guilty for being me that if I’m not actively contributing to the lives of the less fortunate, I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror.  I am a Christian, I believe in a benevolent God who loves us more than anyone else ever could, who forgives us when we ask and who wants to live in communion with each and every last one of us.  BUT.  I don’t believe I count in the list of human beings he loves.

Why not?  What’s the difference between me and every other person who has ever been created?  The truth is; absolutely nothing.  I understand on an intellectual level that Jesus loves and died for me.  But for the life of me…I can’t feel it.  And I know why that is too.  I know that Satan has me so convinced that I’m unworthy that I exist in a space void of my creator most of the time.  And it’s killing me.

And so I know this…what now?  Fortunately, I truly believe that being cognisant of your spiritual state is halfway to getting better.  Because I know this now, I have to ask: who can fix it?  I can’t live like this when I’ve just admitted to myself and all of you that I’m a liar.  Everything is not fine if I don’t feel forgiven and can’t hear God speak most of the time.  So this is the only thing that can happen: God has to fix this…and I have to let him.  It’s so simple and yet…this may be the hardest thing I ever do.  EVER.

I was woken up last night by dogs barking and neighbours yelling, and I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I’m worried.  I don’t know what’s going to happen next with my job, with my life.  And I’m tired.  I am so so tired of feeling like I have to fix circumstances.  I have not done a good job so far…someone else needs to take over.  So as I layed in bed worrying, I heard a still small voice say “pray”.  I started to pray.  I heard it again say “on your knees”…so I got out of bed and kneeled at the foot of it.  But just before I did, I glanced out the glass door to the deck and saw the most beautiful full moon I’d ever seen….like it was for me.  Like maybe, I am worth more than I feel like I am.  So I knelt, and I prayed.  And that was the answer I needed.

I am committing this year to listen to God and direct all of my thoughts, words and actions wherever he leads.  And I don’t know what’s going to happen.  I have considered everything from ending up homeless to winning the Pullitzer Prize…but it really doesn’t matter.  Whatever happens, I am going to live my life in a different way.  I’m going to mess up lots, I’m going to experience pain, I know I’m going to get frustrated…but I’m going to let God take the wheel.  That involves a lot of submission on my part, and I don’t even like that word…but it’s what needs to happen.

What does that mean, practically?  It means I have to ask him…a lot.  It means I have to know the Bible better, and look up constantly.  It means I have to get rid of some of the stuff in my life that’s weighing me down.  It means prayer.  All the time.

This is where I’m at right now.  I’m hoping you’ll tell me where you are.

~Brianna